Dear You

Forever can last three months and a day.

Good for you, you figured that out. I can honestly say it was not your fault the realization dawned on you first. But too bad, it all came to me as a blow.

And after days of incessant taking punches from reality, of letting your foreign reasoning cut parts of my skin, of eliminating menacing possibilities it brought up, I’ve thought of reasons to fill in the space I suddenly realized existing between us.

Maybe, you’re right: That the commission of wrongs or sins is not the only valid bones of contention to reason an end to a relationship that is not working. It is not always the presence of distractions that destroy something wonderful.

Sometimes, it is the mere absence of a single ingredient that makes it all complete. Like that some bright spark or deep connection you have been looking for probably since the love of your life ended.

Inasmuch as it is shameful to realize that we don’t have it, the plain and simple sadness over our failure to share it is drilling holes in my heart. And because you pointed that they’re not there, I suddenly, regrettably, feel what you probably felt.

I should have thanked you for making me see what’s wrong. I’m sincerely convinced that I am still lucky – despite the pain, the shame, and the shock – because you somehow managed to find a jolt of courage to let me know and control a still inexistent damage, which I have to note may or may never ever come.

But that was until you hid everything from me. You even tried to hide from me as if that would solve to all the problems you discovered forming. After understanding how the what is going wrong, you should not have run away from it – from me - like you did.

You should not have left me standing somewhere in the middle of this, clueless of that something you instantly realized and recently understood. Things could have been easier otherwise for the both of us since we are in this thing together – like it or not.

Sure, talking can’t fix something that does not need fixing when there’s nothing there to begin with. Of course, talking about it may never change the fact that this maybe it for us. But for me, it could have made all the difference.

It must have been so bad that you want an easy way out of this.

But you could have spared me the torturing paranoia of thinking about things I shouldn’t be thinking about if you knew hurting me with this is inevitable. The idea of turning a good relationship into goodbye is heart-wrenching in itself the least we can do about it is to end it right.

You should have faced me like it is supposed to be done. I’m sure that will give us more enlightenment rather than the urges we feel to defend our respective sides.

You should have also given me the chance to be there for you when you’re faced with the brilliant idea of breaking us apart.

You should have given me the opportunity to contribute something that can make or break us up because you’re not the only one dancing the tango. This is a partnership. You do not have the monopoly of power over us.

Most of all, you should not have deprived me of the chance to look for something in your eye or in your voice that can help me move on when you make the call and take it all again.

Don’t get me wrong. I just want it clear that I can never take the feelings you have - or don’t have for me - against you. Not loving a person the way we’re supposed to love them back, it isn’t such a crime. Remember that up to this point, I'm still in the process of validation. I am re-assessing whether I loved you, would love you, still loving you or whatever. We both don't know.

It’s just that your end failed to justify your means. I don’t deserve to be treated this way.

But just so you know, what we had – no matter how vague it all seems now, sitting neither here nor there – was working. I needed you and you were there. Maybe, you needed me and you never even know it because you were so busy looking for something missing.

You were so pre-occupied filling that emptiness in that all we had – as small as capital investment as they were - spilled over. You forgot why we entered this in the first place. You forgot our being together used to feel so wonderful.

You let it fade. And you ended it before we even get to the part that holds the depth perception we’re both looking for that can make us feel what we needed to feel. But I was there. I remember asking you what’s wrong but you just don’t want me there.

You did not even give me a chance to show you what my heart is made of or to see what yours has to offer. I was thinking of ellipses but you suddenly put an end to what could have been a rich and very meaningful sentence.

And the trust as well as the confidence in the promise I saw in us is something you can never call shallow. It was deep and well beyond the surface even I didn’t see it until now. And nurturing it can never be a waste of time.

For all its worth, I want you to know that I changed a whole life to make a room for us at least for the next couple of months before you leave for the States.

I thought that was what we had agreed upon. And because you said you wanted to keep things simple for me, I helped you try to keep everything light. I took things easily because I thought that was what you wanted in our bid to deal with your leaving issue, which rocked our world then hard.

I took my time, not even trying to make you fall for me, because I was looking forward to the opportunities to do so I thought we will share in the future. But you thought this is shallow and tolerating such would be a waste of time.

So, you're thinking about tomorrow. Well, I'm just living for the moment for I was aiming to make it last, because we’ve just seen this go too fast. Then again, if I was meant to be your lover, I wouldn’t find myself trying to change you. You would probably do it on your own. There’s just no way I can make you and I won’t egg you into something you won’t.

If you think this is the best things can work out for us, then so be it. No hard feelings. I'd like to think you're under repair.

Clairvoyant as I am, I kinda always knew ill end up as your ex-girlfriend, that you’ll end up as just another ex-boyfriend for someone else to take. And I don’t care how’s it gonna be because we just woke up on a morning when everything that used to be matter suddenly lost its importance.

I guess there are no happy endings… just the bittersweet ones. And if we just leave our few memories alone, I know the thought of us – no matter how abrupt and indecent our break up was – will remain addictively sweet and wonderful… for at the time, it really was.