Happy Birthday

The nights have always been about you.

I spent them thinking about how well you treated me and how you did me wrong. I spent them thinking about the clues that could lead me to your reasons, the ones you never did elaborate. I spent them thinking about what is it really with you that I cannot seem to let go that easy.

My mind worked the problem and I find myself getting to know you all over again.

At times, you seem ordinary. At other times, you seem rather ethereal. Whenever you’re silent, it’s as if there’s something that’s inside of you that I’m not made to reach, not good enough to bring about. I get that feeling that you’ve wandered here for a long time and that you dwelt in private places I haven’t ever been or even dreamed of.

You struck me as someone with drifting kinds of thought, a wistful sense of the tragic combined with intense physical and intellectual power. I felt like some sort of slow whenever I’m with you. Or, maybe I’m just not used to being with someone whose mind works as fast as yours.

You frighten me even though you were gentle with me. And if I didn’t fight to control myself with you – if I didn’t suppress the growing feeling I have for you – I might have totally lost my center and never come back.

I know you are acutely aware of what I’m talking about. I know that you haven’t quite got over it. For in all those times you talked about the love of your life when we were still together, I knew that something’s going wrong with you… or that something, which used to mean everything to you, is still bothering you.

I don’t know why exactly, though, but I would have loved you until you forget. I would have loved you until you remember how to live as though for the first time. And I don’t know why exactly, despite what everyone told me, my heart so wanted to stay.

I don’t know if you care about me at all now like the moth above the sink. But I just want you to know that I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry if you don’t think I’m up for the task of fixing things for you. I’m so sorry for trying to catch your lost heart when it was actually only mine that needs catching.

I'm also sorry if I took more things from you than I should have left you. I didn’t mean to cause you trouble nor take advantage of you. The things we argued about are gradually adding up now, which makes me feel more sorry because now I realized, I didn’t know how to love at all.

But, thank you. Thank you for giving this a chance once. Thank you for letting me in close enough to get to know you. Being with you had me got to know myself, too. And now I know why I would always let you go… because your soul is restless and your heart needs to wander.

So goodbye and take care. I hope you find what you are looking for. And I hope that it wont take you far and long enough to hold it, keep it, and finally make you complete. Believe me when I say I really do.

And just like what I told you, this night’s also about you… when I finally commit myself to let go of the pain along with you. Ang I promise this night is going to be the last time it would be about you because there is life I have to live the best way possible like you.

Again, thanks for a wonderful summer. It was 12 weekends well-spent.